A Big Milestone

Well, its finally here. I made it. You all should be quite proud of me.  Thats right, after a week off, thanks to Vegas, the Olympics, and my sheer laziness/old age, I weighed myself this morning.  When I stepped on the scale, I fully assumed that it would grow a voice solely for the purpose of mocking and laughing at me. But, much to my surprise, it was a good number.  A very good number. It was 242 lbs. I have lost a total of 10 pounds from my heaviest weight during this weigh in process.  Naturally, I would like to thank the Academy for allowing me to work so hard. I would also like to thank...Yeah, maybe not so much.  

But seriously folks, lets have a fireside chat. I am worried about this marathon thing. I realize its a long way off, but it is still not that far away. I am trying hard, but I am not sure if it is hard enough. I can't seem to increase the distance I am running at one time. I have tried to run for a set period of time before walking, and I have tried to have a set distance I run before I stop. Generally, I think the distance thing works better for me, because in the end, the marathon is not about time for me, its about going the distance. But it is still hard. I am old. The stamina is not happening. I don't want to give up, and I am not going to. However, with work and working out, I get tuckered out. I need to sleep more, that would probably help, I mean, I am very well aware of the fact that 5-6 hours of sleep each night simply isn't enough and it would explain my fatigue each and every day, but come on! I don't want to go to sleep early, it means I miss out on good TV and I don't want to think about it. 

So, I will get back to the gym.  One other problem...I don't like to go to the gym early. We went tonight at about 6:30 and there were SOOOO many people there. It was frustrating. I felt like I was on candid camera or something. Too many eyes, too much judgement. I am not being paranoid either. I know that if I am standing there (or running there) and judging each person that walks by, it is happening to me. And again, I do not like people so close to me. I like picking a treadmill in the corner and not having to worry about someone getting all up in my business. I need to feel safe enough to sweat and stink up the place without fear of leering eyes! So, I have to go to the gym at 9 or so to escape the crazies! And i will continue, I guess, to go late at night. I will simply have to suffer the consequences. I will tell you, I want to know the jackass that decided to have a business day start so early in the morning? Why can't we all just settle for getting to work around 10 or 11? I know that would do wonders for morale! I promise you! When I am running the world, no one will be allowed to work so early in the morning. Now that is a stimulus plan! 

Okay, since it is actually getting late and I got all my stuff done early, I am going to attempt to sleep now. We all know it won't happen and I will be cursed to stare at the glowing TV in my room that showers me with wonderful gifts from the entertainment gods. 

Dr. Travis

When Did I Get This Old?

Welcome back, fellow travelers.  It has been awhile, yes, I know.  Let the flogging commence.  I have good reason...really....I promise.  So last week we were rockin along and everything was nice and well and good.  I blogged on Thursday and then went to work like a good little peon on Friday.  It was about 2:30pm when Mr. Chad called to inform me we were going to be going to Las Vegas.  I mean, naturally I said yes. Why wouldn't I? Who doesn't love Vegas.  Herein lies the problem: We drove to Vegas on Friday night, only we didn't go to Vegas. I was hoodwinked, bamboozled, tricked! We stopped in Primm, which for those of you who do not know how to work google maps, Primm is just across the state line from California - a solid 40 miles from Vegas.  I still had a blast. Actually it was friggin awesome.  But that meant that I didn't run on Friday. Then if you go that far, you can't just stay for a night, so that meant Saturday was shot too.  So I figured, we will most definitely get back in time on Sunday for a good, healthy run on Sunday.  Boy, I am learning that I really don't know how to make it happen. We decided to beat traffic and headed back to Bako at about 3:30am on Saturday night. I drove, because I am clearly a fool.  So we got back at about 7am. I was too pooped to peep - yes, I said that get over it. I slept until about 3:30pm and my world was so screwed up. It was probably the stupidest thing I could have done. I woke up completely lethargic and unable to get straight. So once again I was headed down the slippery slope of the rest of the New Year's Resolution people who stop going to the gym at precisely the same time.  But I thought, Monday brings a new week. Yeah, it does, but this is where the profound epiphany hit me so hard in the face I almost swallowed my own tongue.  I am old. So So So old. That weekend of staying up almost all night and then all night ruined my internal clock. Monday night there was no way I was going to make it anywhere. I couldn't even make it through a full day of work (thank God it was my fractional, hourly day and I can do whatever I want). Took some relaxer meds and slept like a little baby - oh if I only had the energy of a small child. Tuesday wasn't going to happen either, as I was recovering from Monday's relaxer fiasco.  Last night was devoted to friends and it worked like a charm.  But alas, it was time tonight to get up off my ever increasingly large ass and work out....

Let me tell you one thing off the bat. I HATE when people get too close to me. I have a rather large personal bubble and the quickest way to alienate, offend, and generally piss me off, is to enter my bubble. Prime example: the bathroom.  Don't EVER use the urinal next to me. Its reprehensive and a belligerent slap in my face.  The same can be said of the gym.  When there are a grip of treadmills in the gym, most of which are not currently being used and I have deliberately chosen the one closest to a wall - clearly in an attempt to avoid as much invasion of aforementioned personal space - do not grow a big pair of steel balls and hop on the treadmill right next to me.  And if, for some reason, like the end of the world is upon us, you have to get on that treadmill, do not insult me by attempting to be "friends" when I am trying to focus on not keeling over and dying on the treadmill.  We are not friends, and we should not speak.  You may wonder if someone is using the machine, because there is a set of keys in the bottle holder, but unless I stop what I am doing and bitch slap you upside your head and tell you to leave because its in use, its safe to assume that its not in use, to my awareness.  I am not one to go out of my way to "save" a machine for a total stranger, thats not my thing. Its not how I roll. It all goes back to that personal space thing. I am very content with having everyone else assume that machine is taken. So back it up off of me! And if you have survived the initial gauntlet - which apparently happened tonight - do not feel like we are intimate enough to share our progress with one another. Eyes forward! Its none of your beeswax, Ramona - and yes, I said that too. 

Apparently, thats the cranky old man coming out in me, but I need what I need and I want what I want, and quite frankly, if someone is going to have their heels in my neck to get on the treadmill, it needs to be the perfect environment.  Yeah, I am sure some of you will tell me to suck it up, to go with the flow, blah, blah, buy your own treadmill at home, blah, blah.  NO! Ain't gonna happen. Those treadmills they attmept to trick you into wasting your money on down at Sports Authority are not of the same caliber as those at your local gym. So I will not lower my standards. But thanks for asking.

I did not weigh in this week, because lets be honest, I was in Vegas, where free adult beverages flow like water and there isn't a healthy piece of food anywhere. That was doing nothing good for the scale. So I will give it a break, and dust it off next week for y'all.  For those of you interested in following my Nike+ stuff, here it is: http://go.nike.com/8fkfsko

Off to scratch myself and take my nighttime pills...

Dr. Travis 

Okay And Now The Back Of The Legs

Well I decided to really push it today. Wow, somehow that sounded like I was a meathead athlete or something. That really wasn't my intention. Let me start over. I decided to work to a clinically significantly higher rate/pace/distance than I did yesterday. That better? Now I sound like the doctor I am playing on TV. Yesterday I ran for about .35 miles at a speed of 7.0 mph. Yes I know it doesn't sound like much, but you try getting your ass on that treadmill and run that long at that fast of a pace. Not funny, not amusing, and certainly not easy. So I decided, in my delusional state of mind that if it was really hard yesterday, why couldn't I just make it a little further today? Yeah, not smart. Well, I am sure its smart in that "its-healthy-and-you-will-thank-yourself-someday" sort of way, but in the heat of the moment, when I am gasping for air and praying that the gods would smite the gym down, I decided it wasn't such a good idea.  But I guess I need it.  *cue the bells tinkling and the cheezy fade out/in screen*

It was a dark and stormy It had been a long couple of weeks and the world of workout for Dr. Travis was beginning to come crashing down around him.  He had realized that it had been several weeks and he was reaching a dark and stormy place in his workout routine.  He was progressing at a speed of next to nothing when it came to increasing his distance.  Plans and goals of reaching milestones were soon becoming distant relics of workouts gone by. It was becoming perilous.  Each night on the treadmill thoughts were overtaking his mind that he would never make it to a point of even considering a marathon as an option. Each and every night the 2 miles in 30 minute barrier just could not be breached. He moved from trying to run an increasing time to trying to run an increasing distance. This was going well until he decided to reward himself with a day off and he would have to start all over at square one the very next day.  He dreamed of having a trainer a la Bob and Jillian on Biggest Loser. But alas, he was relegated to the world of Body Exchange in Bakersfield, where the closest thing to a motivator is the fat chicks chillin on the stationary bikes (you know, the ones with armrests).  And of course the ever constant motivators such as:

this:

or the ever feared:

*Dr. Travis wakes up in a cold sweat, shivering and decides he must scrub the sin off his skin*

So without any other motivators, I decided I just needed to go to a happy place and run.  Tonight, it was a milestone. I hit .65 miles without stopping to breath.  The lungs burned, the eyes burned as the sweat dripped down my brow, and amazingly, the shins stopped hurting.  Yes, this phenomenon was quickly overshadowed by the movement of the pain to the back of my legs. The calves were screaming. It was as if I was trying to sell them to a veal company.  But I worked through the pain. I alternated between walking (never less than 4 mph) and running (at quite the clip of 6.5-6.9 mph) for 30 minutes, which was all I could put in because we were running a little late tonight getting to the gym.

I would like to take a break tomorrow night, but sadly, I can't. I am already significantly behind on all of my goals for my nike+ so I cannot miss a beat. I am trying to play catch up. I am 2800 calories behind, 26 miles behind, and .99 runs behind.  So tomorrow night I will be back on the treadmill, giving the treadmill some fine sweat lubrication and wishing that I could be in some exotic location with 6-pack abs. Someday, Someday.

Here's to a successful and productive weigh in tomorrow.  Those damn Olympics are cramping my style with not being able to watch Biggest Loser.  Somehow, already in-shape athletes competing with the best in the world is not as inspiring as a bunch of fatso's running like they never have before.  Maybe in a couple weeks.  Until I need some more inspiration...

Dr. Travis

No Pain No Gain - Here is my fist!

It hurts. Not gonna lie. I am not sure if I can accurately pinpoint the direct place the pain is located other than to say its in my body. More specifically, my lower body. It hurts from my hips to my toes. Literally, the toes hurt. Why?! There are no muscles in there! And based on my wise logic, they shouldn't hurt. But they do.

So here's the story. I am getting shin splints like a crazy mother. Every time I run they hurt after about 10 minutes. I have tried a lot of different things. I have stretched, changed shoes, walked longer and it all didn't work...until tonight. I decided that I was sick and tired of the effing splints ruining my life. I tried something completely bizarre and I don't know why I did, but I am glad for it. I upped my speed. I actually got it up to about 8 mph for awhile. And amazingly, it didn't hurt one bit. Who woulda thought? So lets see how long I can do that because it actually made my legs feel fantastic. Well, "fantastic" is a massive overstatement. It basically felt better because my shins weren't on fire for a bit.

This week has been a little frustrating. I got the really cool little nike plus holder for the non-nike plus shoes and was all set to try it...but it didn't work. At all. And I was at the gym so there was nothing I could do about it. It screwed up my online goals and everything! dirty bastards! Let me tell you, I was calling that little contraption all kinds of bitches as I was running. But despite the frustration, I got back on the wagon. I didn't work out on Wednesday though, cuz, well I was tired. Do you know how hard it is to do all this working out AND work "10" hours a day? Yeah, its rough. But I am going to stage a comeback. I am hoping for 4 more work outs before my next weigh in on Wednesday.

Speaking of weigh ins...I had one this week. How could I have forgotten. I am sure you are all pissed off at having to wait, and I am sorry. But drum roll............249.5. That means I lost 6 pounds from last week, because as you will recall the weeping and gnashing of teeth that befell me last week as I posted a huge gain for some unknown reason - and if one more person tells me that muscle weighs more than fat I am going to punch you in the neck. So apparently this past week wasn't so bad, even though it was my birthday. I guess I am doing something right. Hopefully I can do the same thing this week. I am thinking it won't be too bad since I had some work done on my teeth and they are super sore and I can eat neither fast or much, so perhaps the lesser the intake will equal lesser the weight of my fat ass on Wednesday morning.

I think the most frustrating thing about all of this is that I don't SEE a change. I am not noticing that pants are fitting significantly looser or that shirts aren't so tight anymore. So I would like to know where this weight is coming from. Probably those damn sore toes. But for now, I am done bitching and ready for bed.

Dr. Travis

Its been awhile...the shame!

Well, as you are all sure to have noticed, it has been a bit since I have posted. Lets start by saying it was the shame of it all that kept me from posting. I weighed myself, as usual, on Wednesday morning, and I was convinced more than ever that the scale is either broken or severely cursed. I weighed in at a whopping 255. Now, I know that muscle weighs more than fat, but honestly, I haven't been weight training lately. It has been strickly running and I am sweating like crazy. I think there is something wrong with my body. Clearly, it couldn't be my eating habits, which are slowly changing, but probably not quickly enough. I wonder if some rubber tubing and a household vaccuum cleaner could act like a professional liposuction machine...

This week was a little rough for me on the workout front. I was pretty tired, so I didn't go nearly as many times as I needed to. I am sure the gym was pretty lonely without me. But I guess I will be back this week. On top of the lack of motivation, it was also my birthday (yes, I am getting older, something that I am refusing to really accept). So this weekend was frought with massive amounts of food and an inordinate amount of sleep. I blame Chad, mostly, for the food issue. I woke up Saturday to a nice homemade breakfast - 4 waffles, about a pound of bacon, a half a bag of tater tots (hashbrowns) and like three eggs with cheese. The pathetic looks of "I slaved in the kitchen for you" manipulated me into gorging on the food. Then there was the Teppanyaki table we went to for dinner. There were a lot of veggies, so I would like to think it wasn't so bad at all.

But on a much happier note! I got the most awesomest thing ever for running. Chad got me the Nike+ for my birthday. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this awesome contraption, let me attempt to explain: Its a little sensor that goes inside the sole of your Nike+ shoe and it acts like a supersonic pedometer when sync-ed with your ipod and then downloaded onto the nike website. It keeps track of times of runs, paces, distances, and you can set goals and work with a virtual trainer to show you what you need to do for something like a marathon (28 week schedule that it holds you accountable to). I have used it three times now and Lance Armstrong even told me tonight that I had just completed my longest workout to date. And, when you get tired, you can play your "power song" to push you a little farther. Its honestly the coolest thing ever. Now, my new shoes I got last week are not Nikes, so I had to buy a little adaptor to connect it to my shoelaces, but I am looking forward to that as well.

One can only hope that this little piece of genius will continue to get me to work off this fat ass of mine. But until then, my friend Dr. Nicholas, who we refer to as simply Nicholas bought me some body glide - which is basically just a bunch of lube in the form of deodorant that you rub on your cellulite to provide a non-chafing surface between the thighs. AND! even cooler, my wonderful and adoring friends bought me a bunch of iTunes gift cards so I can get a whole boatload of new music, because I was about over the emo crap I had. It was definitely not conducive to keeping a good running pace. So welcome Lady GaGa, Ke$ha and Scissor Sisters to my iPod/iPhone, please make yourself comfortable and be read for some hard workouts in the future.

Lets hope this week is significantly more motivational than last and that I can post some HUGE numbers on Wednesday, which I hope I can feel comfortable sharing with all of you!

Until then, peace!

Dr. Travis

I ran for how long?

Well, I didn't go to the gym yesterday. Or the day before yesterday. And I was starting to feel guilty. Its odd how these things happen. If you would have asked me a year ago, or even 6 months ago how I would feel about not going to the gym for two days and I would have said, "so?" and there wouldn't be another thought. But now, somehow I feel guilty? Wow have times changed. Its quite shocking really. But I suppose its a good thing. I mean I know I don't want to look like this:

So, I picked myself up off the couch and went to the gym. Chad and I had a discussion and we decided that since we hadn't gone to the gym in so long we needed to make a real effort for the next three days. And while at the gym we have to run for 60 minutes for the next three days. Today was the first day for this horrid agreement.

The treadmill I chose, or should I say, I was forced to get on because the rest of them were taken, was obnoxious. All I could hear was this high pitched squeal that kinda bounced everytime I took a step. It was real fun and games when I went to start running. I just turned the music up real loud and tried not to feel too bad for the people around me.

But that compassion for those around me for the noise was quickly subsided by another pity. I hadn't eaten much today. I had a nice breakfast that Chad had gotten at Burger Jim's this morning and that was it. So around 6pm, I was hungry. Because we needed to rush to the gym before it closed, I quickly grabbed some snacks. I stupidly chose to have some fiber one bars and two apples. Now, one might wonder what happens after consuming nearly 100% of your daily value of fiber. Well I can tell you. When you get on a treadmill and start to run and all that fiber can really get into your gastrointestinal system, well, it needs a place to go and the only place is out. So I started my trot and the gas had to come out. Those poor folks probably needed gas masks, and to make matters worse, we all know what its like to be running and gasping for air and then the air is full of stank smells of ass. Whoops.

So I ran for 13 minutes straight today. I was quite proud of myself. I just kept pushing. This is definitely what I need to learn to do more. I set goals for myself and then ran again and ran some more. I was pretty proud of myself. Then I walked for about 3 minutes and ran another 6 minutes. Its quite surprising to see how fast time goes by when you mix it up a bit. I hit the 40 minute mark and I really didn't think I could go on. I ran for a few more minutes and then power walked for the rest of the time. I made the 60 minute mark and almost threw my hands up in excitement. But I refrained from looking like a complete and utter idiot at the gym. I even burned 600 calories. I would say it was a good night.

Now, Chad is trying to bully me into getting up early on a Sunday morning to work out again. Pretty sure I just compromised by doing some reverse negotiations and won the 10am spot. Lets see if it sticks.

For now, enjoy some additional pictures at www.peopleofwalmart.com

Dr. Travis

It is that time again

Well, as it happens every 7 days, it is Wednesday. That means it is weigh in time. Now, if you have been following this blog for the past several weeks, you will remember that this is usually a difficult day for me. It is full of ups and downs, yells, tears and sometimes gnashing of teeth. So I am sure you all wait with baited breath for me to post to either share in my joy or laugh and point at my despair. Its all good though, I mean we all like to laugh at the fatsos of the world. At least I can admit it.

Before we get to the actual weigh in, because, you know, this is what they do with all the shows - heighten the anticipation. So, we go to this nice gym. Its great. The particular one we go to though, is like going through a gauntlet to get in. By gauntlet, I mean it has a left hand turn in order to get into the parking lot. Two weeks ago, I was driving in and my contact decided it didn't want to play with my eye ball anymore. So mid-drive I had to take it out. When you have only one contact in, typically you lose some depth perception. I experienced this. As we waited for the turn signal to turn green, I was having some difficulties. It turned green and I went. Suddenly, there was a huge bump and a gutteral scream from the car. I had hit the nice little median that somehow is about 3 feet high (well more like a foot or so, but still, its abnormally high). We got to the parking spot and I was already sweating - I like to think I burned a few extra calories with that one - and noticed that I had nicely shaved off a portion of the under body paint. Alas, I dealt with it. Well tonight, same spot, same situation (minus the contact problem) and I hit the damn thing again. This time it was more towards the back end of the car so I didn't do nearly as much damage, if any at all. All of this is to say that I am pretty convinced that this is a very prominent sign that someone does not want me to go to the gym!

Okay, on to the real deal stuff tonight. I worked out last night pretty hard core. I mean, I ran for awhile. Chad decided he was too much of a wimp to participate, so I went alone. Ha! I got one on him! I have my running up to a steady 10 minutes of running before I drop down to a walk. I am pretty stoked about that. I didn't do any weights or anything, but I am pretty sure that I ran about 20 of the 30 minutes I was on that stupid machine. I was thankful that I was there just in time for The Biggest Loser weigh in. Thats really all I am interested in these days anyway. I ran as much as I could and was sweating like crazy.

This morning I woke up and did my biznass before getting on the scale. Those damn zeros kept flashing for an eternity, much like it probably feels reading this blog trying to get to the big number. Finally it flashed: 245.8. Thats right, you read it correctly, another 3 pounds lost. I am down 7 pounds from my first weigh in where I gained a pound. Its coming off people. Be ready, I am planning on selling all the fat I lose on ebay. It will be very reminicent of the wagon full of fat that Oprah carted on her stage back in the late 80s or early 90s one of the first times she lost the weight. I am stacking my pounds like Chad likes to stack his dollars.

I am getting more and more motivation as I go along. It actually gets to the point where it kinda feels good to sweat that much. I actually found myself smiling the other day. Now, don't wet your pants just yet, part of it was because I was listening to a very enjoyable song - Ke$ha's Tik Tok - and I was right in rhythm with the beat so I was stoked. Tonight I was actually able to get up to 11 minutes straight running. I was watching the State of the Union address and was trying to convince myself that I could run for as long as the address, but clearly, after those 11 minutes I remembered that Obama is quite the talker and can go on forever. In fact, when we left the gym, the speech was still going on, so that was not quite an attainable goal.

Here's to making it to 12 minutes tomorrow!

Dr. Travis

Paparazzi

This weekend was fun. Really fun. Family is probably one of my favorite things these days. However, it also caused great havoc around my diet and exercise plan. I would like to think that I did pretty good. However, i am fairly confident that there was nothing good about this weekend. Its almost like I was trusted to go off the Biggest Loser ranch and try a weekend on my own. And I failed. Now, one might be wondering right about now why I titled this blog Paparazzi. That's because I felt like I was being harangued by a bunch of money hungry photographers trying to find me in a compromising position. And I think they might have. The dirty bastards.

In the next few days as you happen upon my facebook page, or perhaps you decided to do some re-reading of this blog and notice comments pop up with pictures attached, remember that I spoke first about this. I broke the story. Yes, on Friday night I ate some definitely unhealthy lasagna. And Yes, I also consumed several pieces of texas toast. And I may have even enjoyed a piece of chocolate cake and ice cream. NOW, if I can come to my own defense, I would say that the portions were created for me. Also, the ice cream was Breyers, so you know, thats all natural. Would it help if I told you I didn't like it all that much? I mean, I would say that, even if it is a big lie.

Then Saturday hit. Starbucks and Noah's bagels in the AM. And while I should have chosen something relatively healthy like a skinny, sugar free vanilla latte or something, I opted for my usual...Venti Iced Caramel Macchiato, extra sweet - heavy on the syrup, heavy on the caramel. Pretty sure I gained a pound or two back from that little tasty delight. That evening, it was pizza at Stonefire Grill. It was just cheese - but I had three pieces. This was all followed by two scoops of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream from Baskin Robbins. AND a trip to the dollar store to include multiple candies. I am a sinner. And as a sinner, it is only right for me to confess my sins to all of you loyal followers. I am sorry.

This morning I had the "opportunity of a lifetime" to go and run up a bunch of stairs at 8am. One would think that I would have done it. I mean, the family was all doing it, so why wouldn't I fall for the peer pressure. yeah, please refer to a previous post about Saturdays and early morning workouts and apply the same theory to Sunday mornings. it ain't gonna happen. Instead, I conned my 18 year old cousin in to getting me a yogurt parfait from Noah's Bagels this morning. Then I was refined and had a 6 inch sub from Subway....followed by a delicious and calorie filled Jamba Juice. So I am going to make an attempt at the gym tonight, in great hopes of making up for this weekend. The weigh in - which has officially moved to Wednesday mornings so as to get a real weight - will more than likely be disasterous, so you must tune in.

On a happy side note - I did make it up to 7 minutes of running non-stop on Friday morning before the great decline. Lets see if I can make it 8 tonight.

Dr. Travis

Where's the motivation

Well, here it is, 10:15 on Friday morning. I was lucky enough to take a furlough day today so I didn't have to go to work. That should mean that I take the chance to get up early and hit up the gym to lose some serious weight. But...there is no motivation. I have hit a wall.

I worked really hard on Wednesday night. Yesterday, walking felt like a chore. More than a chore, it felt like a painful obligation that my body was lashing out about. I was also exhausted. Who knew that running would take so much out of someone? I mean its just fast walking, and I walk all day long. So why should it be so hard? It makes me angry. I mean, if they want us to be healthy and fit and all that stuff, why do they make it so hard? Its pretty frustrating.

So here I sit. In my workout clothes and all I can think about is just crawling back into bed. Do you think once I get to the gym everything else will just fade away? One of the really hard parts about this new running thing is that the gym we go to downtown has all the treadmills facing out the window and not looking at the TV. Usually I can be easily distracted by something on. Like Wednesday night it was Law and Order: SVU. Wow those minutes just flew by. But now, I am going to have to stare out the window? Downtown Bakersfield isn't exactly a bustling metropolis, so I can't just people watch. I am dragging my feet on this one big time. Thankfully Chad has a nice TV show on right now and he seems pretty comfortable. I am buying time left and right.

OOOH and here is a nice little update: I weighed myself on Wednesday morning first thing and I lost even more weight! I am down to 248.6. Thats right! That puts me at .99% weight loss. I am so close to 1%! At least, I think I am doing this whole math thing right.

Okay, show is going to end soon and I am going to pick myself up my ass and take it to the gym. 30 minutes running (alternating between running and walking). I am going to get up to 2.5 miles today. Then some ab work. I am over this flabby stuff!

Dr. Travis

Weigh In Times Dos

Remember in elementary school when the fat kids would always come in from recess with a soaking wet neck from working hard outside playing tag or whatever? Yeah that was me after tonight's last chance workout.

I decided it was time. I have been talking about it for awhile now and decided to put words into action. I stared it down from across the gym. I passed by the Elliptical machines to give a sigh and a goodbye and walked to the elusive and overwhelmingly frightful treadmills. I must admit it took awhile to figure out just how to get the damn thing to turn on. Its a lot easier on the other machines - you just start walking and hit the big green "START" button. Oooh no, not on these behemoths. I have to actually press a bunch of buttons, answer a ton of ridiculously personal questions like my age and weight. I am surprised it didn't ask me for a blood sample or something. I mean, I usually don't give out that kind of information until the second date. But I caved because I just wanted the thing to start working. I started out slow - walking slowly, then quicker and finally pushed it to 6.2 mph. Yeah, that was rough.

I took some solace in the fact that The Biggest Loser was on and they were doing the weigh in. Inspiration? I think so. I pumped it up and started to run, and run, and run. By the time I thought I was going to drop dead, I realized they had only weighed in one couple! Damn it all, it had only taken about 45 seconds for me to wish I was dead. Realizing its much to pathetic to just run for 45 seconds, I pushed it for another 15 before feeling like the world was crashing in on me. I rested by walking for about 5 minutes to regain my composure before starting the brutality all over again. It seems to be a common theme here, but I was again shaking my fists at the heavens and weeping and gnashing my teeth. I am sure those at the gym think I am insane - but they clearly have never worked out like this before. I was able to finally make it up to 2 minutes of pure running. The sweat was thick on my neck and back. If the treadmill pad was stationary, I am sure that it would have run into my socks. After 30 minutes, I was done. I figure I had run about 10 of it. Thats a good first step, right?

I attempted weights but quickly gave up. Thats ridiculous, I told myself. I deserve a rest. I mean I was experiencing some serious tunnel vision and my legs were almost bending backwards I was so exhausted.

We got home and I was ready for the weigh in. Now, mind you, about an hour and a half earlier, I had eaten a significant number of my daily calories. AND I consumed about a gallon of water to rehydrate myself since somehow most of my fluids ended up on the outside of my body. SO, while I did the obligatory weigh in, both Chad and I agreed that we would do a more official weigh in tomorrow morning. But for the numbers: Last week I weighed in at 252.2 (everyone gasp deeply and rip your clothes. If you have oil, I suggest you pour it on your head now). This week, I weighed........

249.2. Thats a pound weight loss! Because they break it down on the show - thats a .98% weight loss. Again, please, no applause - thank you thank you - tomorrow will be a more accurate and official weight loss with hopefully everything processed in the digestive system and I have mictrated appropriately.

Thank you all for your comments, they keep me motivated and inspire me to not give up because I have followers.

For tonight - take a shower: you stink!

Dr. Travis

I totally kicked its ass!

Well, after two days of laying on my fat ass, we went to the gym. Now, if you will flash back to the last update you might be scratching your head as to how it all adds up to two days off since it was only last Friday that you found me on the couch typing to all you dedicated souls while sipping a glass of wine. In that said update, I declared that night to be a night of rest. However, after I posted, we had a discussion about what to eat and since we couldn't decide, we decided to simply go to the gym instead. If you are wondering how that decision was made, you will be sad to learn I do not even understand it. But we went, and then took the next two days off.

But, lets be serious, I didn't spend the entire time laying around. On Sunday we actually drove all the way up to Monterey and enjoyed the town that Steinbeck spoke so highly of. Well, actually, we drove through Salinas, where the Steinbeck museum is, on our way to Monterey where Cannery Row is. It was so exciting to see all of the history....but I am distracting myself from the task at hand. The gym.

I almost allowed a small wound - namely the near loss of my pinkie finger in a scary pico de gallo experience - to sway me from going to the gym again, but I stood on the highest mountain and cried, "HELL NO I WILL GO!" I superglued the finger shut (yes I know its not a very gay-esque thing to do, but whatever, desperate times, folks, desperate times) and changed clothes and marched myself over to the gym. I must admit that I still look at those stupid machines and shake my fists at the heavens wondering why someone would create them to abuse us fat souls. But I hopped on the Elliptical machine and began pedaling. Tonight, it was hard. It was really hard because on the three tvs in front of me I was forced to watch 3 (!) different basketball games. They really should plan that better. How can one successfully watch all these games at the same time? Thankfully, I hate sports so I didn't care if I missed one. But I was rather pissed that there was nothing else on. I mean it was 7:00 pm, that means on one channel we could have enjoyed Jeopardy. And I am fairly certain someone could have blessed me with some Keith Olbermann at some point. Since there was nothing entertaining to distract me I stared at the numbers on the machine. How is that no matter how fast I pedal, the number of calories burned never speeds up? Its much like the timer I guess. You can't speed up time or calories burned.

So the final tally when the end of one game of basketball ended and I refused to start another one, was 40 minutes and 4.5 miles! Plus I burned 450 calories. Now, I am going to inflate that number because I was sweating like a pig up on that machine, so lets just round up to 500 calories. Thats a lot! Especially since I only consumed 820 calories before I went to the gym.

Then I decided to torture my legs a bit more by doing some leg presses and donkey dips or whatever the hell they are called. I am hesitant to call it fun, since, well, it wasn't. But it happened. Low weight, lots of reps. Tone that body!!!

Tune in tomorrow for yet another episode. Thats right! Two in a row! But thats only because I have my last chance workout tomorrow followed by my weigh in. Lets cross our fingers and hope that I can actually lose weight this time. And, no, I don't need an inspirational talk about how muscle weighs more than fat. I don't care. I just want it all off!

Dr. Travis

Its all about the foodSo

So, I am hungry. I am always hungry though. Food, well, food is probably the greatest invention since....okay, its just fantastic. I love to eat. Its odd that I enjoy it so much since I am probably the pickiest eater on the planet. I don't do white sauces (i.e., mayo, sour cream, cottage cheese, cream cheese, etc) and I don't like many of those green things coming out of the ground. I don't do a lot of fish, but if its deep fat fried I will try it fo sho. I don't like salad dressings, period. I don't like curry, I don't like ethnic foods very often. BUT! I absolutely love food. Its an odd thing, really.

This obsession with food probably explains a lot of why I am in this predicament. To start, I don't eat many healthy foods, reference the above list of dislikes. This immediately poses the problem of healthy eating. I would much rather stop off at any number of fast food restaurants (minus KFC, of course). And slather any food with deep fried goodness and I am a broken man. Another large issue surrounding my large problem is the fact that I love to eat large portions. I am not sure that I have ever allowed my eyes to get too big for my stomach. I will eat and eat and eat. And then I will take a break, say, when my jaw gets sore from gnawing on something, until I can return without the fear of TMJ or something. So one scoop of delicious ice cream becomes oh, you know, an entire tub of ben and jerry's coffee heath bar ice cream. Dammit all! Then there is this other thing where if I see food out, like at a nice social gathering or party, I will gravitate toward it and become its guardian. I will surround the table and fight off anyone trying to get at the precious goodies. And then I steal a bite, and then a plate, and then before you know it, I am coating my body in the bbq sauce from the little wienies. Its a sad state of affairs.

Now, I am here trying to figure out how to curb the appetite and find better foods to eat. We were getting "delicious" organic vegetables weekly from a local company (abundantharvestorganics.com) but alas, the charge was simply too much for our pocketbook. Instead, we buy this rock-gut produce from the grocery store, that I am sure is coated in pesticides and hormones. I am just waiting for a third arm to grow out of my back from eating too much broccoli. Yes, I said it. I am eating broccoli (you know, that nasty green stuff with fur on it?) I eat it all up. I don't particularly care for the flavor, or the texture, but if you spray it down with enough I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray, you would be surprised to find it has no real remnant of broccoli taste. We eat veggies a lot. I try and have littler meals spread out over the day and try not to binge too much.

Several days ago, you will recall I spoke about my beloved Diet Pepsi. I have since taken the initiative to cut back dramatically on it. I only have one a day. Yesterday, I didn't even have one. Its sad that there are so many cans sitting in the fridge all cold and lonely waiting for me to help them complete their life long mission of tickling my taste buds. I know it can't possibly be the end of my diet pepsi drinking days, but I must seriously cut back.

We are taking a night off from the gym. Then its back to the grind tomorrow. Just the thought of working out tonight makes me want to vomit. I mean, really, its been 5 days of work (50 hours), I deserve a night to myself. So I am enjoying a glass of wine (you know, for my heart health) and i am going to live it up!

Here's to eating all that nasty "healthy" stuff.

Dr. Travis

And the winner is....

Well, the big first weigh in happened tonight. I stripped down to my skivvies to give me the most bang for my buck and hopped on the scale. It was just like The Biggest Loser. The scale flashed a bunch of times just to heighten the anticipation. I waited and waited and hoped for a giant sized number. You know, like 20 or 30 pounds. I mean, my pants didn't fit differently and I didn't feel like I was a lighter person, but sometimes it comes as a surprise. I mean those people on TV always seem shocked when they lose abnormally large amounts of weight. So why couldn't I be pleasantly surprised? This was all going through my head as those stupid 0s flashed on the scale.

Then it hit. The big number. And by big I mean BIG. I didn't lose weight. Instead I gained a fricking pound. One pound! I went from 251.2 to 252.2 exactly. So I thought (and the youngins should divert their eyes and ears) I would help lose some weight and I squatted on the pot. I proudly hopped back on the scale only to find the numbers read 252.4!! I gained weight somehow. Naturally I blamed the scale and thought it was a miscalculation (and still think it is), but then I realized that it is just my body getting even with me for torturing it with all this time in the gym. I wish I was a girl so I could blame it on water retention for the monthly visit from Flo.

So the plan must change, my friends. I really wanted to get discouraged and just give up, but then I realized that I have to do this. I am doing this for me. The real reason I want to run this marathon and get into shape is because I need to. I need to defeat this. I have battled my weight and my perception of my weight for a long time (most of my life) and I want to be able to defeat this monster. I want to be able to conquer my aversion to exercise and running. So I will get back on the wagon tomorrow. I will change some things around and drop some weight.

My plan of attack this week is to do more cardio. I am doing somewhere between 20 and 30 minutes a day and running about 2.5-3 miles. I want to up that to about 30-40 minutes. The whole muscle weighs more than fat argument must be squelched. I am going to try more reps with less weight. This may even help my hygiene because I will be able to lift my arms high enough to apply the deodorant.

The next battle is the food. The doctor says that food reacts to the brain's chemistry like heroin and it wants more and more. I can attest to this. I don't know how to eat just a little. I always eat a lot. I pound the food and search for more. For example, tonight, I ate two 6 inch subs (chad only ate 1) and then I sat down and ate two oranges right away. I mean in my mind I thought, subway "eat fresh" is healthy, so why not eat more because I can afford it calorie-wise. And same with the oranges. Who doesn't think oranges are healthy?

Chad informed me that I should stop drinking soda. Now, I have been drinking diet soda for about 6 years. When I say I drink soda, I mean I DRINK soda. I consume so much soda it isn't even funny. A case of soda (24 pack) lasts me a week. Plus, I typically stop at a 7-11 and get a 44 oz at least once a week. I can't help it. It is the nectar of the gods. I don't know if I can stop. I don't know if I want to stop. Its my addiction, I will admit it. If I don't have my soda everyday I get cranky. One might say its the caffeine, but I also consume a 32 oz Diet Rockstar with a crapload of caffeine every day so i know it isn't that. Its the pure sweetness that is diet pepsi. So we will go rounds about this one, and I am not sure who will win, but I think it is going to have to involve a slowdown at least. It will start with baby steps. I am going to only take one to work tomorrow instead of 2. But I still might need to stop for the fountain pepsi at 7-11...Its just so hard to decide.

For now, I will sleep and dream of weight loss.

Dr. Travis

Feelin' the Burn

Well its Monday again. Now that I have my dual appointment (I now work two jobs at the prison to make up for those wretched furloughs that The Terminator so graciously blessed us with as our cross to bear for his gross mis-management of the government), today was the official start of my week. It was also my spotlight return to the gym. I took yesterday off, because even God took a day off every once in awhile. Plus, my calves hurt so bad I could hardly walk a straight line.

Surprisingly, after 10 hours of "hard" work, I was actually ready to take a trip to the gym. So after a delicious (and healthy) meal featuring a stunning array of freshly steamed vegetables and juicy chicken bits all stir-fried with rice and a sweet orange sauce, we scurried to the gym. Sadly, we did not make it to a 5th gym tonight. We stuck to a familiar path and ended up on the nice side of town. Because I really need to hone in on the training aspect of this whole thing, I decided to really push it on the elliptical machine. So in 25 minutes I finally made it to 3.0 miles. I averaged 7.5 mph and kept my heart rate above 160 the entire time. The sweat was, dare I say, magical. If you overlook the grotesque smell and the horrendous heat i was emitting, it was probably one of the prettiest sites around. And I can only imagine that my face shone like that of an angel...or something like that. I would imagine no angel would listen to the pounding of angry Eminem music. Somehow he inspires me to push it really hard.

As I took a stand and proudly declared myself the victor over that pathetic machine, I turned my eyes upon the angry Nautilus machines. As I have mentioned before, those machines were created by sadistic monsters to inflict pain so horrible that people could do nothing but pain ridiculous amounts of money each month to test their valor on them. Today was shoulders, arms and chest day. Now, I know I earlier spoke of my almost inability to put deodorant on because I couldn't lift my arms, but let me be the first to say it quite possibly may be worse tomorrow. I may or may not even attempt to put the deodorant on because as we speak, I can barely rest my arms on this laptop. I pushed and I pushed and I pushed. Do you know what its like to feel that burn that instantly melts every muscle in your body? Yeah, it happened. I am not sure how the muscles realign, but somehow, I hope mine have that ability.

The burn feels good, the burn feels great. I am going to continue to push through all of this madness on my quest.

The next step involves my learning how to portion my foods appropriately. At this point, I simply gorge on food whenever I can. I try to eat healthy, but even then, I eat an entire head of lettuce or a whole stalk of celery. How, oh how, will I correct this? Lap band anybody?

Dr. Travis

Saturday should never involve early mornings.

Day 4. It is a dark, dark day in the neighborhood, folks. I was forced out of bed in a way that can only be described as malicious and violent. The alarm erupted at 6:45 am on a Saturday morning. Now, it barely operates this early on the weekdays when I am supposed to be at work at 7am, so how I am being forced to get up this early on my day off, I will never understand.

Alas, it began. We went to yet another gym that is in our gym's network. I must say this is probably my favorite part of the gym at this point - 4 workouts at 4 different gyms. I plan to try to hit up the last 3 at some point too. This gym is on the "nice" part of town which means we get a nicer group of individuals to look at. And the equipment seemed to be a little nicer as well.

I am not gonna lie when I tell you that I didn't think it was going to be humanly possible for me to get up on the elliptical machine. After last night's workout, which I didn't think was possible either, I really felt like my body was going to protest - and I mean all out picketing-and-screaming-union-esque protesting - but somehow it was as if my body was like, "sure, what the hell, lets roll with it." I was pretty pissed at the fact that my body proved to be a treasonous ass.

So here I am, on this luxurious elliptical machine and I slip into an alternate universe. I thought for sure I could make the 25 minute mark. Yeah, that didn't happen. At the 7 minute mark, I was pretty convinced that time had slowed. By 13 minutes I found myself bargaining with God, or anyone, to make it all stop. It was as if I was making my way through Kubler-Ross' stages of grief. Of course, its fitting since I was grieving the loss of my precious sleep. 20 minutes passed and I gave up. I was done. There was no way I was going to give that machine another 5 minutes of my life. On the bright side though, with just 4 days under my belt, I am already noticing my moobs aren't bouncing as much when i walk - definitely a plus. I was about ready to post the color of my bra on facebook.

It was also legs day. Why one needs to work out his/her legs after already running for 20 minutes is beyond me, but I digress. The burning of every muscle in my lower body seems unnatural and inhuman. how does a muscle do that? I don't get it. But there is something about that burning that is addicting. It makes me want to keep going. Even as I am sitting here on the couch typing feeling every muscle in my body hurting and screaming, I am enjoying it. And, even better, I may of had to get up at the ass-crack of dawn on my day off, but its only 9:30 and I already feel like i have accomplished a lot. How great is that! And even better, the bed is going to be calling my name soon for a nice nap.

Only a few more days until the big weigh in. I certainly hope this whole thing pays off.

Now its off to eat some food. Apparently there is a "window" after working out to eat - according to Chad.

Dr. Travis

Um, ouch

Okay, so its day 2 and I am pretty sure I officially hurt. Its a hurt that some might say "feels good" or that it "means you did it right." I say that it is all just a ploy and it is clearly my body screaming at me.

I was so tired from last night's initiation that I slept through my alarm, or I was so delirious from all the fresh oxygen coursing through my bloodstream that I neglected to set the alarm last night. So I was 2 and a half hours late to work. Thank God I am salaried. There is that little thing about still being on probation for another 3 weeks, but whatever, I am an awesome worker so they will leave me alone. Okay, sorry, that was a minor distraction. Anyway, I overslept, but when I awoke I felt this pain that is quite odd. I was putting my deodorant on but quickly realized there was no way humanly possible I was going to lift my arm up far enough to be able to get the stick to my pit. Perfect, just perfect. But don't worry, I took care of it. Flash forward to the next 10 hours of my day, which involved periodic breath-stealing contractions of my upper body when it lashed out at me when I moved the wrong way. Um, who knew there were so many muscles in the body??

So I had a nice dinner involving a lot of stuff that comes out of the ground. At what point will we realize that the food we put in our mouths to be "healthy" spent the first several months of its life wallowing in dirt and cow dung labeled "fertilizer". Thats just awesome. And last time I checked, salad CANNOT be deep fried, so I don't know why it hasn't faded away as a food fad like crystal pepsi or those hotdogs the cheese infused in the center.

We managed to make it to the gym at about 9pm I got on the Elliptical machine. 25 minutes later it was as if I had been transported 2.6 miles. AMAZING! It was quickened only by my frustration at having to stare at Sean Hannity's face the entire time. Why is it that all gyms i have ever been to insist on only showing Fixed News? I want to see some of my Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow to get my heart rocking.

Then I found my self face down with my fat butt in the air trying to heave my legs backwards towards my thigh. I really think that Nautilus and the other equipment makers sit around and think about how to make the people utilizing their machines look like the biggest idiots ever. OH! and whose bright idea was it to lay flat on your back at a slight incline and try and squat like 200 pounds repeatedly? He should really be shot.

So here I sit, on the couch, thinking about how in the world my fat ass is going to be walking around a prison tomorrow without being in pain. And I have a lot of walking to do so....yeah.

Tomorrow will be another fun filled day. 25 minutes on the Elliptical and back, chest and stomach. Here's to hoping I don't vomit everywhere.

Dr. Travis

D-Day

Picture it:

Bakersfield: January 5th, 2010.

It was a cold day in town and the fog hung low to the ground and created an eerie scene. It was late in the night when I knew it was time. It was time to put into place that ever so fretful plan that we call the New Year's Resolution.

I confess that I damned the day, nay, I rued the day when it would come. I chose to be fairly cliche about my Resolution this year. I chose to shed those God-forsaken pounds that keep me extra insulated in the winter and even more insulated in the summer. And for all you lucky souls who do not know much about Bakersfield - summers are reminiscent of the 7th dimension of hell.

Because I am an internet whore, I quickly got onto the web and plugged in my height and weight to find my BMI. Its shameful, painful, and disgusting. So I will confess - a la Weight Watchers in the early days when they would publicly scourn you if you hadn't lost a prescribed number of pounds - my current BMI. Keep it on the down low please, but it is 29.9 and for all of you who are unschooled in the world of BMI that is .1 points away from being in the obese category.

AND because I am a Reality TV whore, I decided to do a little at home fun. Every season I watch The Biggest Loser and giggle when Aly Larter tells some poor sap that he is not the biggest loser and I would mutter under my breath, "but you are a big loser." But, alas, it is all fun and games when you are projecting like crazy onto poor overweight man or woman who has more balls than I had. So at the end of last season, when I was crying like a little baby at how wonderful everyone looked I felt it was time to put this thing on full blast. The new season started on January 5th, 2010.

And so it begins. I am going to follow the show and weigh in every Tuesday night with the contestants. I also joined the gym. Yes, you heard that correctly, I JOINED A GYM. And this time it isn't draped in tacky, offensive, and belligerent amounts of hypocrisy found at the Lord's Gym in Clermont.

Last night was the first weigh in. And because we are all friends here, at least I hope we are, I will share with you my opening weight because the Biggest Loser contestants have decided to share with the world, too. My beginning weight is 251.2 lbs. FOR SHAME! I know.

Now, Picture it: same place, different day. January 6th, 2010. I started my weight loss regimen. I went to the gym and did some "wonderful" cardio on the Elliptical machine for a whopping 20 minutes. Then I decided to abuse my body just a little bit more and "lifted weights" on these Nautilus machines that act more like medieval torture devises that were used to draw and quarter William Wallace and other supposed heretics. I guess its better than being burned at the stake.

So, if you like me, or just want to see me potentially humiliate myself in a public gym, check back in here to find out how I am progressing. Every Tuesday will be a big update with my weekly weight. The there will be three or four posts a week detailing what I am doing and whether or not I want to even look at another piece of workout equipment.

Finally, I think I am going to run a marathon at the end of this year, so thats the ultimate goal. Lets see if I can do it! Any support would be real fantastic :)

Hugs and kisses,

Dr. Travis